It's Okay Not To Be Okay All Of The Time

Lately I've felt off and rather than shove it down, I'm embracing it.

November 4, 2019

If you know me at all, you know that I'm usually happy, smiling, laughing, and just enjoying life. (Because why not right?)

However, for the first time in my life, (well since middle school anyway) I feel like I can't escape negativity.

It's an odd thing to say for me because people always tell me, "CJ, you're always so chill and I never see you upset or angry."

And so naturally I've taken on the "tough guy" persona who always makes others feel good but rarely checks in on himself.

God must've been watching because here I am writing a blog feeling about the absolute s***storm of my life over the past few weeks. 

Let me explain...

About a month ago, I began looking for houses because I thought, "I'm ready to take that step in life," and the next thing I know, an offer was accepted and I was in escrow.

Then, the very next day when I was ready to tell my family that I made a huge financial decision on a whim... (not really...but kind of,) my brother-in-law Maury was rushed to the hospital and his prognosis was grim.

The very next day, Maury passed away and I went to be with family. It was a tough one to process because Maury was such a phenomenal human being and I'm better for knowing him and I couldn't wrap my head around the idea that he was gone so soon.

Then things started piling on with the house and it became way more stress than I guess I planned for.

A few friends started showing their true colors and let their ugly side show so on top of everything else. I still was trying to keep the waters calm with them because I guess I hate when people are upset with me. I was still trying to be there for my sister and nephews and niece and still have everything turned in on time to purchase my first house. (Still praying it's on track btw.) 

On top of all this, life my life, work a full-time job, attend acting class, pay my bills, exercise as much as I could fit in, work on a few other projects I'll share soon, and drink enough water. (Seriously, that last one is important.)

Now take this and amplify it by 10 because I for some reason feel negative feelings much more than I should. Maybe it's because I rarely let myself get down or because this is the one instance where my normal advice for other people doesn't work for me. 

I let myself get angry at the world. I was grieving the loss of my brother-in-law, I was taking my stress out from the house, and lashing out at people who have always had my back and were always by my side even when I was wrong.

That wasn't me. I, for a brief moment, had become the man I tried so hard not to be.

When did I realize it?

I realized it when I was at my friend Carly's wedding this past weekend and was laughing and enjoying company. I realized that what I felt in that moment wasn't what I was feeling the past 3 weeks. 

So I took a good long hard look at my life and realized that everything happening in my life was out of my control, but my reactions to those instances were my own choices that I was making.

So, I could either be angry and blame other's or I could own up to what was going on and fix my attitude. 

While I may slip in and out of negative feelings on occasion, I know I can handle it and that even in a moment of weakness where negativity wins, the REAL me is there and he's waiting to come to the light.

Sometimes you have to feel so bad in order to realize how great it feels to be in the light and feel positivity. 

I have no idea if this makes any sense at all, but I know I have to be open with it because it's a part of me that I feel. 

If you ever feel these emotions just know it's okay to feel them, but then get back on your feet, brush it off, and keep pushing along. 

You'll be so much stronger for it.